My freshman year of high school I remember being excited and feeling cool cause I was finally in high school. Although, considered a ‘fishy’ I was still excited as most were. I had a group of friends of about 15-20. I secretly had always dreamed of having high school sweetheart and end up marrying them and growing old with them. That didn’t happen. I was a big girl then, I had confidence problems and guys always looked at my best friend who I had known since kindergarten. I remember I’d be jealous some days of how they got all the attention and no one ever looked at me. Moving on to sophomore year, I don’t remember much. I had the same group of friends. I started talking to more guys and growing out of my shell a little more but still not a complete bloomed flower. I never was really bullied, but I can’t say I never had a rude comment made towards me. The size I was just wasn’t what I wanted and others didn’t approve of it either. I wasn’t huge. I was just chubby. Summer before junior year I had made up my mind that I would lose weight no matter what it took. I worked out everyday and starved myself, limiting myself to only one meal a day. I would work my butt off for hours each night. My parents would worry about me and would have to force me to eat basically. First day of school I could feel that as I walked the halls guys for the first time actually looked at me 35 pounds later, 9 sizes smaller and smiling like I had never smiled before. That summer was a tough one though, I would beat myself up for everything I wasn’t and for everything I wanted that I couldn’t have. I fell into a depression that no one but my best friend knew about and committed self harm many times. It was my own little secret. As school started and I got more attention my ‘unhappy’ feeling slowly started to diminish. I met a guy in English 3 who ended up becoming the center of my world in one month. We started dating in October and we had the best relationship anyone would’ve imagined at 17. We spent endless days together. We shared the best moments together, rarely argued. It was perfect. Of course on the side i still was struggling with my self harm. He made me promise to not do it, but just the thought that he could leave, that I wouldn’t be good enough for him, that he could just stop loving me scared me and fed my depression. Six and half months later he had enough with my worries and depression, he left me. I remember opening his text and reading ‘I thought I was in love with you, but I’m not.’ and those words just piercing through my heart. My world had collapsed. Or so I thought. I had let myself depend on him for my happiness. I had let myself get so infatuated with him that I didn’t think of myself and how to be my own support system. I cried probably every night for half of the summer before senior year. I hated the thought of not having a prom date or homecoming date or being at the games every Friday night cheering HIM on. I didn’t want to share those memories with anyone else but him. Right before my senior year it’s like the light bulb went on all of a sudden. I realized that although it hadn’t worked out with him I had him to thank him for making me the person I am today. He taught me how to love myself. How to love my flaws more than my strengths. He taught me to not care what people think and to be myself to say how I feel and do what I love not what others want me to love. He taught me how to be confident, and that I was strong to withstand my own battles. And yes, through my senior year I showed off all these new personality traits I had gained from him. People noticed them too. My circle of friends went down to 1.
Now, being a high school graduate, starting college soon I’m happy to say that I’m honestly HAPPY. I don’t need anyone to make me happy. I can take care of myself. I feel lonely some days because I feel like I’m the only person who only has 1 friend that truly understands me. I know others and go out with other people but I don’t consider them in a tight circle. This saddens me some days but I tell myself that I have to learn how to be on my own because in the end we’re all going to die and there isn’t one person who is going to offer their life to be buried with you. It’s just you in that casket.
I look forward to my future and what it holds for me. Whatever it is I hope it makes me happier than I am today.